Christian Girls ALWAYS Swallow

In my google search for dirty sex acts (i.e. Dirty Sanchez, Blumpkin, Bankok Bugspray, etc.) i found a website (which can be found in my links section) devoted to instructing Christians in non-traditional sex practices according to God’s word. The following are a few brief synopses of each section.

 

ORAL

“The Benefits of Swallowing – Drink of the Living Water” Yes, that is a REAL headline from the website. This portion also highlights the idea that the verses in Genesis 38 discussing “spilling” seed are actually letting the reader know that Onan actually recieved God’s wrath for pulling out, not for masturbating as is often thought.

There are references to the Song of Solomon’s allusions to oral sex and it’s “sweet taste.” In addition to the tasty benefits, the website notes that “Oral sex has the added benefits of preventing unwanted pregnancies and helping couples satisfy their sexual urges while preserving their chastity until marriage.” This means that those abstaining can happily engage in a little head to ease the tension of waiting until marriage.

Bottom Line: Sucky sucky time, just make sure that you swallow.

 

ANAL

The website starts out on what i would consider a curious note, “Anal sex is confusing to many Christians” who think that anal is wrong because homsexuality is wrong. Quickly clearing up the issue after a reference to Titus, the website informs readers that “God also created our bodies for pleasure, and anal sex is just one of the many ways that we can enjoy this pleasure and share it with a partner.”

Why Anal?

“having anal sex allows her to preserve her virginity” oh, right. of course.

Bottom Line (no pun intended, ok some pun): Put it in.

 

I believe it’s “Menage A Trois” …THE THREESOME

“Is a Christian Threesome Possible?” According to this website, not between two men and a woman. But between two women and a man, absolutely. The website notes that the Bible gives “specific prohibition against lesbian sex.” Awesome.

But what about adultery? You know, that thing from the ten commandments… no problems, in fact “the exploration of the wife’s sexuality with another woman could actually serve to draw the husband and wife closer together.” So there.

Bottom Line: “To summarize, we feel a Christian threesome is morally acceptable.” 

 

FISTING

The website feels that many Christian men do not fist their women and they feel that “This is unfortunate, because it means that many Christian men and women are depriving themselves of what could be the most spiritual sexual experience of their lives.”

In the website’s opinion, the fist is a powerful symbol and using it on a woman allows her and you to share a deeply spiritual sexual experience. A warning is offered however, “Before attempting fisting, a Christian husband and wife should pray together and ask for divine guidance.” So be prepared.

Bottom Line: if you don’t, then you are depriving yourselves of a wonderful mystery of the Lord.

 

MASTURBATION

“Masturbation: God’s Great Gift to Us”

SHAVING DOWN THERE?

“Believe and Be Shaved”

BONDAGE

“Despite the misleading impressions that such common BDSM practices as spanking, humiliation, and name-calling may give, they are only performed in the context of a loving relationship to fulfill the higher purpose of  strengthening emotional, sexual, and spiritual bonds.”

PORN

“The primary purpose of Christian pornography is to allow married Christian couples to better celebrate their sexuality in order to become more intimate with each other and enjoy a closer walk with the Lord.”

 

In summary, this confirms a lot of things my friends have been telling their Christian girlfriends for a long time. Party on.

 

thejonfoley

you may be that girl if…. 30 don’ts for girls

sometimes, men are introduced to a woman who is entirely capable, and often quite close, to being absolutely desirable. unfortunately, for both men and women, many ladies engage in faux pas that restrict them from ever being wanted by anyone with class, style and taste

and now for the list…

you may be a girl guys go “yeah, she’s looks real-eeeeeeehhhh-maybe not” if you

30 crimp your hair

29 have metallic colored nail polish

28 wear old sports accomplishment t-shirts. no one cares that you went to volleyball state in ‘98

27 watch rock of love, flavor of love, or any other bad celebrity dating show

26 talk about the hills in public

25 pretend that you and [insert famous person] would be friends if you met

24 have celebrity tabloids out in your living room

23 use a cell phone that belongs in a movie from 2004 or earlier

22 can’t cook

21 watch the disney channel

20 take pictures of you with other peoples kids

19 wear a bridesmaid’s dress that has been shortened

18 never wear heels before 6:00 pm

17 let your nail polish crack or grow out

16 decide some days don’t require make-up

15 pretend your animal is a person

14 wear crocs

13 have a messy bathroom

12 wear a plastic belt

11 wear bad eyeliner/eyshadow/blush

10 don’t wax what needs to be waxed

9 are ever said to be “one of the guys”

8 have a laugh that includes snorts

7 don’t check your teeth for food after a salad

6 burp/fart

5 drink a wine cooler. buy a mixed drink or wine if you don’t want beer

4 have eccentric piercings (i.e. nipples, tongue, eyebrow, belly button, etc.)

3 practice an art with mediocrity

2 have visible biceps

1 wear rubber flip-flops. anywhere. ever.

 

thejonfoley

welcome to the life and times of the jon foley

many of you know me and many of you do not. here you have found the temple of doom, the center of the universe and the source of all joy. no, but seriously, you found some pretty dope tish.

check up on it every so often to hear my musing and adventures. the journey is the destination.

love in an elevator,

thejonfoley